I’ve finished my treatment and been out of hospital since September and my life has gone back to normal in a lot of ways but, I have realised that the ‘old normal’ no longer exists, I am not the same person I was. I still need to grieve for the old me
Everyday I battle negative demons in my head who try to scare and discourage me from getting on with my life! I am still very emotionally fragile and can’t always cope with outside influences that make me feel low. I have to talk myself down from the edge twenty times a day, my mind often wanders to one of the terrible moments in the past and my uncertain future. I’ve been through an extremely, multi layered, traumatic experience and have to live with absolute fear everyday. Even writing this is making me feel utterly sick inside! Sometimes I want to scream to let it out but something always stops me, perhaps the worry that if I start I just won’t be able to stop!! I did scream and cry once, snot running from my nose, I was alone at the time!
To the outside world, with my make up on, my hair done and a smile on my face it’s easy to make the mistake that I’m fine, have dealt with it all and have moved on! But you see I’ve developed two personalities, the public one and the private one! This started in hospital when I couldn’t show anyone just how upset and scared I really was! I only ever broke down a few times, many times I wanted to break but held it together. When visitors came I never showed what was really going on inside, the total crippling fear that I felt.
I want to be happy, experience as much as I can and embrace life, I don’t want negativity around me. I want to achieve lots of things and spend as much time as I can doing the things that make me happy!